A honest chat about children

It happened again as it usually does, I got accused of hating children.

It's a lie, I don't hate them. Half the time I disagree with their parents about how they are being raised, which is no fault of the children, but I don't hate children.

Do I know how to socialize with them? No. But then again I find more and more that when I am not at work having to talk for 12 hours straight I am failing at being able to socialize with anyone, much less someone 20 years or so younger then me.

Children used to be my dream. I wanted kids of my own so badly, I wanted to specialize in child psychology, I wanted to be a paediatric nurse, dream job was Sick Kids Hospital.......but then something switched. I don't know when it happened or why it happened but something switched.

I'd consider myself maternal, if I wasn't I wouldn't be a nurse (not to gender stereotype or anything). I'm not trying to blame my job either, but I think that's what caused the switch.

I don't know how women (and men) do it. We spend every moment of our job taking care of others who have no relation to us. 90% of your job is fixing whatever someone is complaining about. It's your responsibility. And then for many nurses to go home at night and take care of kids....I don't know how they do it. I'll be honest, half the time I want to lose my cool on patients, I don't want to go home with a negative attitude towards my children. I don't want to resent them for the fact that other people stress me out. They don't deserve a constantly cranky mother. My future husband doesn't deserve a nasty wife.

I also have fertility issues. They may or may not make it more difficult/impossible to have children. I'm really open to adoption but maybe I'm just afraid of failing? I don't know. Maybe I'm just scared that my life/body is going to change drastically. Who knows. Everyone has told me "it's different when they are your own kids", and one coworker even said she was in the same boat as me, didn't want them but her husband did and now she couldn't see herself without them. I believe, truly deep down, that when/if I have kids they will be my whole world and although sometimes they may drive my patience I will love them unconditionally.

But does it make me a bad person that I don't feel my biological clock ticking? That I don't think I can be a nurse and a mother and maybe the thought of pausing/ending my career so early into it really upsets me? I have wanted to be a nurse, officially, since I was 11. Every course I took in school was geared towards getting a nursing degree. I don't know any other job. And most days I love my job enough that I can't see myself doing anything else. But I don't think I can nurse and be a good mother at the same time. I don't have that calm, unconditional nurturing ability like some of my close nursing friends do.

As much as I talk about how I'm happy just having a dog, I am sure I won't feel complete without kids in my future. Although I do think that women who don't want children shouldn't be crucified for it, or made to seem like a bad person, and women who are unable to have children shouldn't be judged or thought less of. It's not a lack of caring or compassion that causes women not to have children in their lives. Some women have children and don't give a crap about them and then these poor kids grow up in awful homes.

Maybe I'm just going on a tangent because it's 7 am, I haven't slept, and there's a lot on my mind, who knows. If I marry a man who wants kids will I give him beautiful loved children? 100%. I would never deny a man fatherhood. Will I have to probably quit my job? Most likely, for the sake of my children. And maybe that's one of the many things that scares me. But that doesn't make me a bad person. If you aren't scared about how your life is going to change when you have kids, then you probably don't know what it entails to be a good parent.

End of venting.

Ew

Boyfriend just mentioned how he heroically killed a "huge" silverfish in the bathroom.




I won't sleep tonight......thanks

Starting anew

Ok

Let's do this

Let's start blogging and try not to quit after a week.

A couple weeks ago at my 3rd (very pregnant) sister's baby shower 3/4 of the daughters in my family were discussing the domestic talents of us all, as passed down from my extremely perfect-in-all-domestic-ways mother.  The cooking, the cleaning, the child-rearing, sewing/clothes making, loving mother of 4 (5 if you include my father and 6 if you include the family dog), also known as the pinnacle of awesomeness. My eldest sister seemed to have absorbed all he same talents, my second oldest sister not far behind. By the time it got to the 3rd and 4th child (myself being the baby) the Domestic DNA seems to have dwindled we all hysterically agreed. Oddly enough, we were the two sisters who became nurses, one of the most maternal jobs there is (besides the hardest job, being a mother, of course).

My apartment is a cramped mess. I can bake but due to my inability to limit my sugar intake to that of a normal healthy individual I try not unless I have a birthday/celebration to attend where I can dump the leftovers. My cooking can get creative, and it keeps the boyfriend full, but I've failed on occasion. I don't sort my laundry, a load for all the clothes! My child has 4 legs and more hair than my carpet can contain, and smells of dirt a lot. My boyfriend is cleaner than I am, and reminds me of the fact with a chuckle but "in all seriousness" tone all the time. I am not domestic. At all. Ok, maybe a little bit, but definitely not living up to my mother's reputation, which she still loves me despite of, and that's all that matters.

Tonight, as I was walking our "child", I thought I should start blogging again about my struggles with living up to being a domestic goddess.
See it was fine when I was single, but the boyfriend and I just bought a house and I'm going to have to clean up my act and fast.

First things first, I need to start sorting the laundry.

I need to clean weekly.

I'm good with dishes, because a clean kitchen is my pride and joy.

I need to find a new hiding place for my sugary snacks.

Also....I should probably learn how to sew a button on securely as boyfriend wears lots of business shirts. I work in the next best thing to pajamas so I've never lost a button. I usually ask my extremely domestic mother and/or sister to fix the ones that have fallen off my jackets (usually after a season of eating too many baked goods). Really should grow up.


Tonight I made Tuna Helper for dinner and rocked that dish! ................but seriously it was cheaply delicious. I added onions and peas............because the box suggested it.

One day I will achieve the domestic level. Till then, here I shall express my struggles and rambling so about everyday adventures of my life, job, and domestic successes/failures.